"I Traded. . ."

I traded the world when I had you. I traded a full nights rest for ones filled with waking up knowing that I was needed- from feeding you to soothing your bad dreams away. I traded sitting alone at meals for a little chubby face always grabbing at my food- a 2 and a half foot dinner date. I traded shopping sprees for quick runs to Target for diapers and onesies. I traded silence for crying, cooing, talkative gibberish, laughter, and little baby snores. I traded a lonely bed for one with you snuggled to my side. I traded nice long showers, naps, "me time" to give you a bath, pat you to sleep and let your adventurous spirit run wild. I traded reading and getting lost in my interest of books to re-discovering the simplicity of a story time book. I traded loving going to work for dreading and cringing to the thought of having to leave you behind. I traded free time for time spent trying to help you learn, grow, and make you happy. I traded caring about the hottest and latest fads to when the price of baby wipes go on sale. I traded my pre-baby body for stretch marks, breast fed breasts, dark circles, a tired achy body, and "mommy brain". I traded going out with friends at a drop of a hat, for one sitting at home with just you in my lap. I traded my old dreams and desires for ones that involved you. I traded thinking I knew it all for being content with not knowing it all. I traded a comfortable life for one that constantly pushed me out of my comfort zone. I traded my energy for the days cherished even though I am exhausted at the end of a long day taking care of you. I traded my insanity for a heart that didn’t know it could love more but did because of you. I traded my view of love for the very essence of it. I traded my priorities for a purpose. I traded a piece of my heart. . . And guess what? I didn’t receive anything back. Being away from you reminds me every time of it. You are that piece of me and always will be. When I said I traded the world for you, I take that back. In the midst of it all, you became my world.

I'm Still Here

Exposed, left for dead. Hurt. Torn again. Anger. Thoughtless actions. Searching...waiting. Questions- unanswered. Confusions arise- pain in disguise. Lonely, cold. I want to go home. Home is where the heart is, so where is my heart? Shattered pieces on the ground, don't bother to pick them up. You may cut yourself, on what I thought once was love. Darkness. Complete and utter darkness- I'm scared. Who will come and save me from this nightmare? Out of the corner of my eye, I see a light. So calming, so peaceful, destroying the night. It surrounds me, filling in all the cracks- no more black. A hand reaches out, my choice to take. A hand urging to help, heal, lift me up once again. He brushes my shoulders, wipes my eyes dry. "Child," he asks so lovingly, with a voice that is as calm as the sea, "why are you hurting? I've been right by your side. For you may not see Me when all has gone black. That is when you of so little faith is keeping you back. But, if you have faith, as small as a mustard seed, I notice. I always see. For when life gets to hard, and you feel all alone, you can only get so far. But I will intervene and give you new life once again. I make all things new, my beautiful creation- you. My child, my child! There is no reason to cry. My love for you is so strong! For I have been with you all along."

I Prayed

I prayed to be humble in God's eyes... He gave me a reason where I have no other option. I asked God to teach me wisdom and acquire it, and that is what He will slowly unfold. I prayed to be patient, see with kind eyes and a loving heart- that is what He will be teaching me the most. I prayed that God will show me and reveal the way and plans He has for my life- they are slowly falling into place as I speak. He is guiding me through this darkness, though I cannot see. I will walk by faith and not by sight. Like a baby bird, with new wings, I'm experience flight. He will take care of me, I just have to let him. Yahweh, Abba, Father, You are enough for me.

Will You?

"Will You?"

Will you have my eyes or his?
Will you have his strength or my courage?
Will you grow to be six foot tall or will you stay little and small?
Will you be obnoxiously loud at times like me,
or will you be the silent thinking type like your daddy?
Will you have his silly witty sense of humor?
Or will you speak in my sarcastic sassy tone of voice?
You, my darling, precious and perfect,
are about to be born into this world without a choice.
I haven't even met you yet, but I love you with this undying love
It only grows stronger by the day. I love you, I love you, what else is there to say?
For one thing I know to be true:
You will grow up happy, loved, cared for, no matter what you do.
I won't try to fit you into a little mold, but I will teach you right from wrong.
So that one day, you may grow up, making your own decisions as well as mistakes, 
But at the end of the day, still standing strong.
Maybe God's greatest example of His perfect love is one that is tangible,
mother to child, father to child, child to mother and child to father,
You are important, not a mistake, you have a purpose, you're beautifully and wonderfully made.
I can just imagine you now, holding you in my arms for the very first time,
laying my eyes on your uniquely formed face, and laying my lips to your cheek.
For your needs and protection of you is all I will ever seek.
You did nothing to deserve less than a perfect life
I'm working on getting rid of any anger, bitterness, negativity or strife.
Your father does not and cannot feel exactly what I'm feeling with you,
Every movement, every kick, every toss and turn,
every hour, every second of the day I spend is with you.
This bond and attachment is undoubtedly strong, it will not break, it will carry on.
So will you love me the way I love you?
Because, my darling, I can feel you already do.

Please Come Soon

My child,
I have loved you from the start.
I will not let anyone hurt you.
I will protect you, never give up,
give you everything I have to give.
Don't you worry, just stay little forever,
Your presence is what I long for
I can hardly wait to hold you in my arms.
Please come soon.